1
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:11,536
Hi. I'm Ron MacFarlane,
Seth MacFarlane's father.
2
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:16,207
And I'm here to tell you
the story of a very special
Christmas in Quahog.
3
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,843
Kenny Rogers was
supposed to be here,
4
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,679
but I think he's dead.
5
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:23,214
Anyway, Seth came out
of my penis,
6
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,317
and now he made this.
7
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:33,992
Our story begins in Quahog
just before Christmas time.
8
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:38,029
The town was blanketed
with snow, the trees
were being trimmed,
9
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:41,333
and everyone was
making up their
Christmas lists.
10
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,097
♪ Jessica Biel
and Megan Fox
11
00:01:55,165 --> 00:01:57,182
♪ Wearing nothing
but their socks
12
00:01:57,251 --> 00:02:01,670
♪ Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
13
00:02:01,739 --> 00:02:03,855
Well, that's just not practical.
14
00:02:03,907 --> 00:02:06,057
♪ Spending a week in Mexico
15
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,138
♪ With some black guys
and some blow
16
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:11,780
♪ Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
17
00:02:11,848 --> 00:02:14,716
That sounds terrific.
How about you, kids?
18
00:02:14,784 --> 00:02:19,054
♪ I would like
a pair of skates
Then I'd go out skating
19
00:02:19,123 --> 00:02:22,207
♪ But I really don't know
how to skate!
20
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,610
♪ I want a Lexus all in pink
21
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,879
♪ And a dad
who doesn't drink
22
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:32,200
♪ Oh, and that reminds me
Twelve kegs of beer!
23
00:02:32,268 --> 00:02:36,504
♪ All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas
cheer is
24
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:39,541
♪ All I really want
this year!
25
00:02:39,609 --> 00:02:41,187
Santa's got his work
cut out for him.
26
00:02:41,211 --> 00:02:43,027
We ain't even
gotten started yet.
27
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,297
♪ I want to tour
the Spanish coast
28
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,432
♪ Lunch with
Michael Landon's ghost
29
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:51,620
♪ Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
30
00:02:51,688 --> 00:02:52,688
Wait. What?
31
00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:53,989
Forget it. Keep going.
32
00:02:54,058 --> 00:02:56,107
♪ Jennifer Garner in my bed
33
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:58,326
♪ Softer voices in my head
34
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:02,547
♪ Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
35
00:03:04,902 --> 00:03:07,035
♪ Yellow cake uranium
36
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,254
♪ Never mind the reason
37
00:03:09,306 --> 00:03:12,307
♪ Also Chutes and Ladders
and a ball
38
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,672
♪ Doesn't this seem
like too much stuff?
39
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,963
♪ Suck my dick,
it's not enough!
40
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:21,316
♪ Why don't you go out
and chase cars, you queer
41
00:03:21,384 --> 00:03:22,850
Look who's talking.
42
00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:26,220
♪ All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer
43
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:31,710
♪ Is all I really want
this year!
44
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:33,606
I'm just saying,
it seems a bit excessive.
45
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,181
Get off your soap box,
Brian. It's Christmas.
46
00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:37,994
And Christmas is about gettin'!
47
00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,913
Everyone in town knows that!
48
00:03:39,937 --> 00:03:44,021
♪ Japanese girls
with no restraint
just to choke me till I faint
49
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:47,942
♪ Is all I really want
for Christmas this year!
50
00:03:48,011 --> 00:03:49,243
Giggity!
51
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,981
♪ Platinum-plated silverware
52
00:03:53,050 --> 00:03:55,127
♪ Just one day
when kids don't stare
53
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:59,153
♪ It's all I really want
for Christmas this year!
54
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:05,994
♪ If you put a Christmas tree
in the public airport
55
00:04:06,063 --> 00:04:10,432
♪ I will go to court
and sue your ass!
Happy holidays!
56
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,562
♪ Wouldn't I love
a tinker toy
57
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,803
♪ And a little drummer boy
58
00:04:14,872 --> 00:04:18,940
♪ He can either tap
his drum or my rear
59
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:22,894
♪ All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer
60
00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:26,681
♪ Is all I really want
this year!
61
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,119
♪ I want a golden
mustache comb
62
00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,255
♪ And some spermicidal foam
63
00:04:34,324 --> 00:04:38,810
♪ That's all I really want
for Christmas this year
64
00:04:41,031 --> 00:04:43,065
♪ I want a brand-new
pitching wedge
65
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:45,244
♪ I would like
more Lemon Pledge
66
00:04:45,268 --> 00:04:49,637
♪ That's all I really want
for Christmas this year
67
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:56,177
♪ I just want a wedding ring
from someone named Jeffrey
68
00:04:56,246 --> 00:04:59,531
♪ I just want some
colored Easter eggs
69
00:05:00,650 --> 00:05:02,700
♪ I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz
70
00:05:02,753 --> 00:05:04,948
♪ We don't know
what Christmas is!
71
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:09,357
♪ We have something else
called Gishgemfloofneer!
72
00:05:09,425 --> 00:05:13,178
♪ All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer
73
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:19,384
♪ Is all I really want
this year! ♪
74
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,114
Mom!
Look at the nativity scene.
75
00:05:32,182 --> 00:05:33,881
Isn't that beautiful?
76
00:05:33,950 --> 00:05:35,817
It's nice they put
Joseph in there,
77
00:05:35,885 --> 00:05:37,552
even though he's not
really the father.
78
00:05:37,621 --> 00:05:41,639
Can you just imagine
how it was on that
special night in Bethlehem?
79
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,536
Doctor, thank goodness
you're here.
80
00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,139
My wife is about to give birth.
81
00:05:46,163 --> 00:05:48,707
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
This is a manger!
82
00:05:48,731 --> 00:05:50,143
Ma'am, you're lying in manure.
83
00:05:50,167 --> 00:05:52,411
You're about to give
birth into cow crap.
84
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,147
You don't really smell it
after a while.
85
00:05:54,171 --> 00:05:57,071
Oh, God! You're crowning,
and there's flies
on its head.
86
00:05:58,108 --> 00:06:00,308
Ugh! That's
regurgitated cud!
87
00:06:00,376 --> 00:06:02,021
No, I can't be a part of this.
88
00:06:02,045 --> 00:06:04,590
Look, I'm just gonna
leave you all the gauze
I have.
89
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,625
When that thing comes out,
just wipe the crap off
of him
90
00:06:06,649 --> 00:06:08,527
as fast as you can and...
91
00:06:08,551 --> 00:06:10,911
I don't know, man.
Good luck to you.
92
00:06:13,223 --> 00:06:15,706
I'm so excited
to see Santa Claus.
93
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,487
You know what I think
is really wonderful?
94
00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,745
Of all the malls in this
great country of ours,
95
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,630
he chooses to come here.
Year after year.
96
00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:25,033
You know?
I mean, who are we?
97
00:06:25,101 --> 00:06:27,668
You know?
I'll tell you who we are.
The lucky ones!
98
00:06:27,737 --> 00:06:28,787
Uh-oh.
99
00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:34,009
Oh, my God!
Look at the line.
100
00:06:34,077 --> 00:06:35,554
Damn it! We're gonna
be here forever.
101
00:06:35,578 --> 00:06:37,473
Wait, look.
There's Quagmire,
way up front.
102
00:06:37,497 --> 00:06:38,791
We can cut in line with him.
103
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,466
Wait. Stewie, he doesn't
like me so...
104
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:49,340
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire! Wow!
What are you doing here?
105
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:50,709
Hi, Brian.
106
00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:52,589
Just waiting for Santa,
like everyone else.
107
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,446
Cool. Cool.
108
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:55,859
We'll just hang
with you guys here.
109
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:58,283
Who's this little guy?
Is this your nephew?
110
00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,101
Hey, buddy.
You here to see Santa?
111
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,921
Yeah. I hope you've been
a good boy this year.
112
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:05,918
That little guy
is my niece Abby,
you douche.
113
00:07:05,942 --> 00:07:08,020
Her hair's short
because of
the chemotherapy.
114
00:07:08,044 --> 00:07:09,722
Uh-oh.
Do you know how much
talking it took
115
00:07:09,746 --> 00:07:11,708
to get her out of the house
because of her no-hair?
116
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:14,966
Oh, gosh,
I didn't know.
I'm so sorry.
117
00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:16,629
You're sorry?
For what?
118
00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:19,153
That waiting in line is
such a catastrophe for you
119
00:07:19,222 --> 00:07:22,524
that you'd rather
destroy the confidence of
a 5-year-old cancer patient?
120
00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:24,809
Come on.
I didn't know
she was dying.
121
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,355
Who said anything about dying?
122
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,474
Uncle Glenn, am I dying?
123
00:07:28,498 --> 00:07:30,193
No, sweetheart,
you're not dying.
124
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:33,417
'Cause we're gonna see Santa,
and he's gonna bring you
a new brain.
125
00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:35,836
Get out of here, Brian.
Just get out of here.
126
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,785
Should have gone
into politics, Bri.
127
00:07:39,809 --> 00:07:41,720
Now we got to go to
the back of the line.
128
00:07:41,744 --> 00:07:43,222
What the hell?
Why isn't it moving?
129
00:07:43,246 --> 00:07:44,657
I don't know.
It's always
the same thing.
130
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,215
Some fat kid
sitting on Santa's lap
taking all day.
131
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:51,164
And I want
a Charles in Charge
lunch box,
132
00:07:51,188 --> 00:07:53,822
and I want a Magna Doodle
and a new Uno game
133
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:56,124
'cause I lost a "Draw 2" card.
134
00:07:56,193 --> 00:07:59,560
And I want a pet animal
that's half-chinchilla
and half-mink,
135
00:07:59,629 --> 00:08:02,931
'cause it'd be really soft,
and I could call it chink,
and that's okay.
136
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,219
Geez, doesn't the mall
close soon?
We've been here forever.
137
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,283
Would you relax?
We're right here.
I'm next.
138
00:08:18,615 --> 00:08:19,981
Hello, Santa.
139
00:08:20,050 --> 00:08:22,217
Now, we've got
a slight problem here,
140
00:08:22,286 --> 00:08:24,902
because I have been
rather naughty.
141
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:27,505
But you're a businessman,
I'm a businessman.
142
00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:31,076
I'm sure we can work
something out.
143
00:08:34,897 --> 00:08:36,414
Wait, what are you doing?
Santa?
144
00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:38,066
You can't leave now!
145
00:08:38,134 --> 00:08:40,697
Hey, wait, buddy, buddy,
we've been in line for,
like, two hours.
146
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,265
Sorry. I'm done.
You want your kid
to sit on my lap,
147
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,873
meet me at the bar
at Applebee's.
148
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:48,093
That sucks.
Sorry, Stewie.
149
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:51,395
That son of a bitch.
He just turned his
back on me.
150
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,060
The way reality
turned its back
on Gary Busey.
151
00:08:54,084 --> 00:08:56,434
How am I doing today,
Gary Busey?
152
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:57,852
You're doing great!
153
00:08:57,921 --> 00:08:59,971
Good! Then I'll keep it up!
154
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,647
Peter, come help decorate
the Christmas tree.
155
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:13,067
One second, Lois,
I'm almost done
icing down the walk.
156
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:15,431
Hey, Joe.
We're having eggnog
and roasted marshmallows.
157
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:16,471
Want some?
158
00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:17,906
Boy! Do I!
159
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,902
Oh, my God!
This is why I love
the holiday season.
160
00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:21,470
Pour me a nice big tall glass...
161
00:09:25,031 --> 00:09:27,565
God bless us everyone.
162
00:09:29,686 --> 00:09:31,326
Hey, give me your keys.
I need your car.
163
00:09:31,355 --> 00:09:32,765
What? You're not
taking my car.
164
00:09:32,789 --> 00:09:34,629
Very well, then.
You're driving me.
Let's go.
165
00:09:34,690 --> 00:09:35,767
Driving you where?
166
00:09:35,791 --> 00:09:37,758
To the North Pole,
to see Santa Claus.
167
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,961
If that beslubbering,
onion-eyed maggot-pie
168
00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:42,541
thinks he can just
blow me off like that,
he's got another thing coming!
169
00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:45,161
Look, Stewie, I know you're
disappointed that you didn't
get to see Santa,
170
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,419
but I'm not driving you
to the North Pole.
171
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:51,373
Everyone, Quagmire's niece
is in the ICU.
172
00:09:51,441 --> 00:09:53,853
Now, I think
we should go down there
to support him.
173
00:09:53,877 --> 00:09:55,471
What?
Yeah, apparently,
174
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:56,939
something happened at the mall,
175
00:09:56,963 --> 00:09:58,508
and she took a turn
for the worse.
176
00:09:58,532 --> 00:10:00,743
They don't know
how much time
she has left.
177
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:03,752
Quagmire just called.
He's really upset.
178
00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:06,940
It doesn't sound like
he wants us there
for some reason,
179
00:10:08,476 --> 00:10:10,875
to the North Pole.
180
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:16,330
And so Brian and Stewie
set off on the road
to the North Pole.
181
00:10:16,399 --> 00:10:18,784
Hey, you want to hear
a real live-action fart
182
00:10:18,853 --> 00:10:21,687
instead of one of those
fake, cartoony ones?
183
00:10:26,477 --> 00:10:28,488
We're gonna need
another pair of pants
184
00:10:28,512 --> 00:10:30,178
and another chair.
185
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:43,791
Hey, Stewie, wake up.
We're here.
We're at the North Pole.
186
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,795
What? North Pole?
187
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,580
North Pole!
North Pole!
There it is!
188
00:10:53,604 --> 00:10:55,904
My word, I really
must have been asleep!
189
00:10:59,610 --> 00:11:02,110
Ah. Look at this.
The tip of the Earth, Brian.
190
00:11:02,178 --> 00:11:03,556
Okay, let's go see Santa Claus.
191
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:04,780
All right, let's go.
192
00:11:07,568 --> 00:11:10,285
Well, this is rather
festive, isn't it?
193
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,039
Small.
194
00:11:17,794 --> 00:11:20,624
Well, it has to be
small because of
all the tiny elves.
195
00:11:20,648 --> 00:11:23,097
That's right.
Good point. Elves.
196
00:11:23,166 --> 00:11:24,466
Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls?
197
00:11:24,534 --> 00:11:26,835
Y'alls ready to kick it
in some fine North Pole gear?
198
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:31,990
Brian, why does
the North Pole have
black teenagers?
199
00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:33,592
Uh...
200
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,394
From Katrina?
201
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,095
Okay. And,
202
00:11:37,163 --> 00:11:40,265
why are they
selling shirts that say,
"Burrillville, Rhode Island?"
203
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,502
'Cause that's where
Santa went to high school.
204
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,938
Of course. All right.
Well, I just have
one more question, then.
205
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,590
Do you think I'm an idiot?
Huh? Do you?
206
00:11:49,660 --> 00:11:52,489
Look, Stewie,
the North Pole is
a long and dangerous...
207
00:11:52,513 --> 00:11:55,347
You can't jerk me
around when it comes
to Santa Claus, Brian!
208
00:11:55,416 --> 00:11:58,483
There is a Ferris wheel here,
and a guy hosing vomit!
209
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,352
Nobody vomits at the North Pole!
210
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,619
Except for Santa's wife,
211
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,366
because she has
an eating disorder!
What?
212
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,952
Yeah, 'cause he can
have anyone he wants,
and she knows that!
213
00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:07,537
Stewie, just pull
yourself together.
214
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:08,977
I won't, Brian!
215
00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:10,723
Now you get your ass
back into that
hippie car of yours
216
00:12:10,747 --> 00:12:12,481
and take me
to the North Pole, now!
217
00:12:12,549 --> 00:12:14,165
Look, I know you're upset.
218
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,701
Why don't you just sit down,
write out your Christmas list,
219
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,547
and I promise
I will mail it
to Santa Claus?
220
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,737
Screw that.
221
00:12:19,806 --> 00:12:21,957
This was never about
Christmas presents, Brian.
222
00:12:22,025 --> 00:12:24,738
Well, then why do you
want to go all the way
to the North Pole?
223
00:12:24,762 --> 00:12:29,030
Because I'm going to
kill Santa Claus!
224
00:12:35,271 --> 00:12:39,708
So it turned out
Stewie was determined
to kill Santa Claus.
225
00:12:39,776 --> 00:12:43,578
Would he succeed?
Well, let's find out.
226
00:12:43,646 --> 00:12:45,608
Wait a minute,
why the hell do you
want to kill Santa?
227
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:48,300
Because that fat bastard
blew me off at the mall,
228
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,413
and he shall not go unpunished.
229
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,214
Now, let's go.
I've got it all
planned out.
230
00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:54,251
I'm gonna see the workshop,
pet a few reindeer,
231
00:12:54,275 --> 00:12:56,185
take a few pictures
of me and Santa,
232
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,104
and then I'm gonna blow
his goddamn brains out,
233
00:12:58,128 --> 00:12:59,806
hopefully with his
bitch wife watching.
234
00:12:59,830 --> 00:13:02,175
This is ridiculous.
We are not going
to the North Pole.
235
00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:04,766
Trust me,
it's a waste of time.
You're not gonna find Santa.
236
00:13:04,835 --> 00:13:06,968
Why not?
Because there's no such...
237
00:13:09,006 --> 00:13:10,905
Because when you get there,
238
00:13:10,974 --> 00:13:13,202
you may find out
it isn't what
you thought it was,
239
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,644
and I wouldn't want you
to be disappointed.
240
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:18,213
That's it?
That's your reason?
241
00:13:18,282 --> 00:13:20,426
Well, you know why
nothing works out
for you, Brian?
242
00:13:20,450 --> 00:13:23,462
Because you've got
a negative attitude.
Like Eeyore.
243
00:13:23,486 --> 00:13:25,771
Come on, Eeyore, let's go play.
244
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,039
I don't feel like it.
245
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:30,508
Why are you always
in such a bad mood?
246
00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:31,810
I have a nail in my anus.
247
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,295
Oh.
248
00:13:33,363 --> 00:13:36,231
That's not fair.
I don't think I have
a negative attitude, I just...
249
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:38,495
I don't think
it's a good idea
for us to embark on
250
00:13:38,519 --> 00:13:41,269
a potentially
dangerous journey...
251
00:13:41,337 --> 00:13:43,049
Stewie?
252
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:45,089
Say "Yes" to life, Brian!
253
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,608
I'll be home for Christmas.
254
00:13:48,796 --> 00:13:50,879
Son of a bitch!
255
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,638
So, what are we hauling,
good buddy?
256
00:13:59,707 --> 00:14:03,224
I got a flock of birds
that were too tired
to fly back north.
257
00:14:03,293 --> 00:14:05,043
Boy, this is the way
to do it, huh, Jerry?
258
00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:07,713
Sure is.
Think this makes us lazy?
259
00:14:07,781 --> 00:14:09,363
Nah, we're still in the V-shape.
260
00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:54,376
What is this?
This is a weird gun.
261
00:14:54,444 --> 00:14:55,777
Yeah. Don't touch that.
262
00:14:55,845 --> 00:14:57,111
Oh, it's a flare gun.
263
00:14:57,181 --> 00:14:58,491
Maybe you should put that back.
264
00:14:58,515 --> 00:15:00,465
I'm just holding it.
Is this the trigger?
265
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:44,108
Oh, my God, Stewie,
you all right?
What the hell happened?
266
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:46,344
Just some stupid
stuff went down.
267
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:49,764
You could have been killed!
I could have been killed!
Look at my car!
268
00:15:49,833 --> 00:15:53,251
Well, you know, if you had
just taken me to the real
North Pole to see Santa,
269
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:55,670
none of this
would have happened!
270
00:15:55,739 --> 00:15:57,250
What is this?
What are you doing?
271
00:15:57,274 --> 00:15:58,623
Hitching a ride.
272
00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,692
I'm gonna keep
heading north
until I find Santa.
273
00:16:00,761 --> 00:16:02,505
Stewie, you're not
gonna find him.
274
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:04,129
You do what you want, Brian,
275
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,609
but I am going to
the North Pole and I'm
gonna kill that bastard!
276
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,845
Stewie, you're putting me
in a hell of a position here,
277
00:16:08,869 --> 00:16:10,585
but I have no choice.
278
00:16:10,653 --> 00:16:13,573
You're not gonna
kill Santa Claus,
because he doesn't exist.
279
00:16:16,359 --> 00:16:18,726
Really, Brian?
He doesn't exist?
280
00:16:18,795 --> 00:16:20,273
That's right, he's not real.
281
00:16:20,297 --> 00:16:22,397
Interesting.
Interesting theory, Brian.
282
00:16:22,465 --> 00:16:23,999
Who else isn't real, hmm?
283
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,985
You gonna tell me that
Elmo isn't real? Huh?
284
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:29,554
SpongeBob?
Is he not real, Brian?
285
00:16:29,623 --> 00:16:32,023
Is SpongeBob not there
at the bottom of the ocean
286
00:16:32,091 --> 00:16:34,108
giving Squidward
the business, hmm?
287
00:16:34,177 --> 00:16:36,510
And what about
Curious George? Huh?
288
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:39,047
Does he not really exist?
289
00:16:39,115 --> 00:16:40,848
Is Curious George
not really out there
290
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,952
making little boats
out of newspapers that he
should be delivering? Huh?
291
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,304
Educate yourself, you fool.
292
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,017
Look, Stewie, if you'd
just listen for a sec...
293
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,723
No, you listen, Brian!
294
00:16:49,792 --> 00:16:52,126
I'll tell you what,
you take me
to the North Pole,
295
00:16:52,195 --> 00:16:55,429
and if Santa isn't there,
I'll do something for you.
296
00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:57,081
What?
When Lois does that
297
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,449
middle-of-the-night feeding
298
00:16:58,519 --> 00:17:00,785
that she doesn't even open
her eyes or really wake up,
299
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,254
I'll let you take
that one for me, Brian.
300
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:04,963
Are you serious?
Quite.
301
00:17:07,044 --> 00:17:08,244
Okay, you got a deal.
302
00:17:10,981 --> 00:17:14,015
Damn it, it won't turn over.
303
00:17:14,084 --> 00:17:17,084
Great! Not even
halfway through Canada,
and we're stuck.
304
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:23,519
Oh, hey there.
You having some
car troubles, eh?
305
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,393
Yeah, we're trying to
get to the North Pole.
306
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,141
I don't suppose
you're from AAA,
are you?
307
00:17:27,197 --> 00:17:29,264
Who?
AAA, you know? A-A-A.
308
00:17:29,332 --> 00:17:31,900
Oh, AA, eh? Yeah,
I just came from AA.
309
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:33,634
No, not AA. A-A-A.
310
00:17:33,703 --> 00:17:35,264
Yeah, that's what I said.
AA, eh?
311
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,454
So you are with AAA?
312
00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:38,801
Oh, no, that's A-A-A.
I just came from AA, eh?
313
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,903
Huh?
Stewie, I think
he's just a drunk.
314
00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,121
Well, drunk or not,
can you help us?
315
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,123
I can if you want
to join AA, eh?
316
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,681
No, I'm already
a member of A-A-A.
I need help with the car.
317
00:17:46,749 --> 00:17:49,428
Oh, I see. Yeah,
looks like you got
some water leakage.
318
00:17:49,452 --> 00:17:50,663
You might need a hose, eh?
319
00:17:50,687 --> 00:17:52,353
Jose, Roberto, whatever.
320
00:17:52,422 --> 00:17:54,500
If you've got some
Latinos up here that can
fix cars, that'd be great.
321
00:17:54,524 --> 00:17:56,335
No, I mean,
it looks like
you need a part, eh?
322
00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:57,903
Well, yeah,
when it's fixed,
we can celebrate,
323
00:17:57,927 --> 00:17:59,305
but let's deal with
first things first.
324
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:01,440
Well, I can probably take
you to a gas station, eh?
325
00:18:01,464 --> 00:18:02,763
You have cash, eh?
326
00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:04,210
I don't know,
my name carries
a little weight,
327
00:18:04,234 --> 00:18:05,794
but I don't see how
that matters here.
328
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:08,197
Look, we don't have
enough cash to fix
the car,
329
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:10,321
and we're kind of on our way
to the North Pole.
330
00:18:10,373 --> 00:18:12,635
Oh, a car won't
take you there,
anyway.
331
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:16,019
But if you like,
you can take
my snowmobile.
332
00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:18,162
Really? You'd just
give it to us?
333
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:21,316
Sure, that's what
Canadian hospitality's
all about.
334
00:18:21,384 --> 00:18:23,918
If you like, you can have
all my money and my leg.
335
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,553
Okay.
336
00:18:37,634 --> 00:18:39,334
Why'd we take his leg?
337
00:18:39,403 --> 00:18:41,414
Well, we're in their
country, Brian. We have
to observe their customs.
338
00:18:41,438 --> 00:18:42,503
Oh, dear.
339
00:18:44,241 --> 00:18:47,258
Well, at least we're done
with the first leg of
our journey, Brian.
340
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,628
Ha!
Damn right, ha.
341
00:19:21,628 --> 00:19:23,473
Brian, how long do you
think we've been driving?
342
00:19:23,497 --> 00:19:25,074
I don't know, I've lost track.
343
00:19:25,098 --> 00:19:27,076
Besides, dogs don't have
a good sense of time.
344
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:29,745
Could be three hours,
could be three years,
I don't fucking know.
345
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,037
Well, we must be
pretty far north by now.
346
00:19:32,105 --> 00:19:35,105
Yeah, you're right.
Look there's
the Aurora Borealis.
347
00:19:37,110 --> 00:19:39,610
Yes, and there's
the Aurora Boreanaz.
348
00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:40,894
Hi, there.
349
00:19:40,963 --> 00:19:43,431
Things are kind of
beautiful up north, huh?
350
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,236
Oh, no!
What's the matter?
351
00:19:49,306 --> 00:19:50,505
We're out of gas.
352
00:19:50,573 --> 00:19:52,351
Out of gas? But, Brian,
it's freezing out here!
353
00:19:52,375 --> 00:19:53,474
What are we gonna do?
354
00:19:53,543 --> 00:19:55,154
I don't know.
We'd better think
of something.
355
00:19:55,178 --> 00:19:57,161
Maybe I can help.
356
00:19:57,230 --> 00:20:02,150
There's an old, abandoned
hunting cabin about
two miles north of here.
357
00:20:02,218 --> 00:20:06,254
You could spend the night
there and then resume
your journey in the morning.
358
00:20:06,323 --> 00:20:07,621
Thanks, David.
359
00:20:07,690 --> 00:20:10,691
Guess there are
a few stars in
the sky tonight.
360
00:20:12,929 --> 00:20:15,074
Come on.
Come on, now.
361
00:20:15,098 --> 00:20:17,365
Okay, we'll leave you alone.
362
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,662
All right,
this should do
for the night.
363
00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:11,213
Look, Stewie,
now that we have a moment,
364
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:14,016
I think we should
really try to call Lois
and tell her where we are.
365
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,739
Don't worry.
I've got that covered.
366
00:21:17,376 --> 00:21:19,271
Hey, Lois, would you make
an appointment for me
367
00:21:19,295 --> 00:21:20,772
to be neutered in two days?
368
00:21:20,796 --> 00:21:22,530
Are you sure, Brian?
369
00:21:22,598 --> 00:21:23,759
Yes, I'm sure.
370
00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:25,328
And whatever I say in two days,
371
00:21:25,352 --> 00:21:27,918
do not let me convince you
that I've changed my mind.
372
00:21:27,988 --> 00:21:30,783
Wow, you sound
pretty serious
about this, Brian.
373
00:21:30,807 --> 00:21:35,075
Oh, I am. In fact,
I have this document that
legally binds me to same.
374
00:21:35,144 --> 00:21:36,689
Have you had it notarized?
375
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:39,914
No. But a notary
should be here
any minute.
376
00:21:39,983 --> 00:21:42,917
I received a call about
notarizing a document,
377
00:21:42,986 --> 00:21:46,621
but I am spending
the day with my family,
so they are here, too.
378
00:21:46,706 --> 00:21:50,074
This is my wife, Janice,
my daughters, Lisa and Jane,
379
00:21:50,143 --> 00:21:52,810
and this is Rosalyn,
a friend of our
daughter Jane's.
380
00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:56,013
Her family life is rough,
so we are kind of like
a second home.
381
00:21:56,082 --> 00:21:58,515
Robert!
Well, it's true.
382
00:21:58,584 --> 00:22:02,403
Well, thank you for taking
the time to notarize this
important document.
383
00:22:02,472 --> 00:22:04,200
I'm sure you are quite busy.
384
00:22:04,224 --> 00:22:05,918
Yes. We only
have a moment,
385
00:22:05,942 --> 00:22:10,010
for we are taking
a bus tour of Providence
and other places.
386
00:22:17,086 --> 00:22:19,031
The next morning,
Stewie and Brian
387
00:22:19,055 --> 00:22:21,588
set out on foot
for the North Pole.
388
00:22:21,657 --> 00:22:23,524
They were cold and tired,
389
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:27,962
but Stewie was determined
to carry out his plan
to kill Santa Claus.
390
00:22:29,832 --> 00:22:31,777
As long as I've got
all you people watching,
391
00:22:31,801 --> 00:22:34,302
does anyone want
to buy some pot?
392
00:22:38,058 --> 00:22:41,092
We must be getting
close to the Pole.
Look at all these igloos.
393
00:22:41,161 --> 00:22:43,944
Look, there's a Persian igloo
that takes up the whole lot.
394
00:22:44,013 --> 00:22:47,464
My children are teaching
your children to smoke
at school.
395
00:22:53,256 --> 00:22:55,422
What was that?
I don't know.
396
00:22:57,043 --> 00:22:58,420
You know, I think it's my back.
397
00:22:58,444 --> 00:23:00,404
Really?
You've never mentioned
back pain before.
398
00:23:00,446 --> 00:23:02,841
Yeah, I try not to
mention health problems
around the house
399
00:23:02,865 --> 00:23:04,865
for fear of being put down.
400
00:23:50,563 --> 00:23:52,897
Wow! Looks bottomless.
401
00:23:52,966 --> 00:23:54,348
It is bottomless.
402
00:23:57,803 --> 00:23:59,353
Who are you?
403
00:23:59,422 --> 00:24:01,472
We are the enchanted totem.
404
00:24:01,541 --> 00:24:02,723
The enchanted what?
405
00:24:02,792 --> 00:24:04,191
The enchanted totem.
406
00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:06,894
We hold the key
to the bridge of
eternal crossing.
407
00:24:06,962 --> 00:24:10,565
Which will allow you
safe passage across
the chasm without end.
408
00:24:10,633 --> 00:24:13,034
But first,
you must solve our riddle.
409
00:24:13,102 --> 00:24:16,387
All right. Well, we got
to get to the North Pole and
kill Santa. So, let's hear it.
410
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:17,638
The riddle is this.
411
00:24:17,707 --> 00:24:19,973
A father and his son
are in a car crash.
412
00:24:20,042 --> 00:24:21,542
The father is killed
413
00:24:21,611 --> 00:24:24,795
and the son is
taken to the hospital
in critical condition.
414
00:24:24,864 --> 00:24:26,708
He needs surgery
to save his life.
415
00:24:26,732 --> 00:24:29,066
But when he is placed
on the operating table,
416
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:30,334
the doctor says,
417
00:24:30,403 --> 00:24:34,155
"I cannot operate
on this boy,
he is my son."
418
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:36,490
Who is the doctor?
419
00:24:36,559 --> 00:24:38,392
Wow! This is a toughie.
420
00:24:38,461 --> 00:24:40,573
Yeah, I think we can
rule out the mother
right away.
421
00:24:40,597 --> 00:24:43,898
Yeah, definitely.
Maybe it's a my-two-dads
kind of situation?
422
00:24:43,967 --> 00:24:46,244
Right. Like they don't
know which one was
the real father,
423
00:24:46,268 --> 00:24:48,213
so they both
call themselves Dad.
424
00:24:48,237 --> 00:24:51,755
So, wait, were both the guy
in the car and the doctor
biological parents?
425
00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:54,508
Yes. And the guy in the car
was the biological father.
426
00:24:54,577 --> 00:24:55,960
Crap.
427
00:24:56,028 --> 00:24:57,707
Well, maybe the doctor
is the mother.
428
00:24:57,731 --> 00:25:00,998
No, that's just crazy.
I got it, the dad in the car
429
00:25:01,067 --> 00:25:04,168
has to be a vampire,
he's already dead,
and he's a doctor.
430
00:25:04,237 --> 00:25:06,081
That's pretty smart.
Let's go with that.
431
00:25:06,105 --> 00:25:08,606
Okay. The doctor is the dad,
who is a vampire.
432
00:25:08,658 --> 00:25:10,591
That is correct!
433
00:25:33,316 --> 00:25:34,715
Terrific. Thanks.
434
00:25:34,784 --> 00:25:36,150
You're welcome.
435
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:41,638
You know, this used
to be all orange trees.
436
00:26:21,163 --> 00:26:24,681
My God!
We made it, Brian!
The North Pole!
437
00:26:24,751 --> 00:26:27,562
See? Boom!
Right there!
I told you!
438
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:30,788
This is where
Santa Claus lives!
In your face!
439
00:26:30,856 --> 00:26:33,374
I don't believe it.
It's here.
440
00:26:33,459 --> 00:26:36,087
Damn right, it's here!
Now, while you think
about the fact
441
00:26:36,111 --> 00:26:39,358
that you're never going
to enjoy a nocturnal
breast-feeding from Lois,
442
00:26:39,382 --> 00:26:41,248
I shall open the gate.
443
00:27:01,387 --> 00:27:04,533
This can't be it.
This can't be
Santa's workshop.
444
00:27:04,557 --> 00:27:06,490
This looks like Bridgeport,
Connecticut.
445
00:27:06,559 --> 00:27:08,692
Oh, boy, get ready
for the letters.
446
00:27:08,761 --> 00:27:11,178
Dear Family Guy bastards,
447
00:27:11,247 --> 00:27:13,547
who the hell do you
think you are?
448
00:27:13,616 --> 00:27:15,461
I'll have you know
that Bridgeport
449
00:27:15,485 --> 00:27:17,951
is among the world leaders
in abandoned buildings,
450
00:27:18,020 --> 00:27:20,232
shattered glass,
boarded-up windows,
451
00:27:20,256 --> 00:27:23,156
wild dogs and gas stations
without pumps.
452
00:27:23,225 --> 00:27:25,893
So eat my piss, Jew writers.
453
00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:34,196
Well, whatever
sort of trick this is,
I will not be deterred.
454
00:27:34,220 --> 00:27:37,421
I'm not leaving
until Santa Claus
is dead by my hand!
455
00:27:47,450 --> 00:27:51,269
Oh, my God!
You're Santa Claus!
456
00:27:51,337 --> 00:27:53,420
Yeah. Who are you?
457
00:27:53,489 --> 00:27:56,440
I'm Stewie Griffin,
and I'm going to kill you!
458
00:27:57,293 --> 00:28:00,378
Ah. Thank God!
What?
459
00:28:00,446 --> 00:28:03,564
Do it! Please!
Put me out of my misery!
460
00:28:03,633 --> 00:28:06,066
You want me to kill you?
461
00:28:06,135 --> 00:28:09,303
Come on!
What are you waiting for!
Pull the trigger!
462
00:28:09,371 --> 00:28:12,072
Well, there isn't
a great deal of
sport in that.
463
00:28:15,261 --> 00:28:17,094
Oh, my God, are you all right?
464
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,598
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
465
00:28:21,651 --> 00:28:23,412
I just need to catch my breath.
466
00:28:23,436 --> 00:28:24,835
I don't understand.
467
00:28:24,904 --> 00:28:27,649
I thought you were
supposed to be
jolly and happy.
468
00:28:27,673 --> 00:28:30,207
I used to be, a long time ago.
469
00:28:30,276 --> 00:28:32,476
I made toys for
little boys and girls.
470
00:28:32,545 --> 00:28:35,095
I loved my work,
and they loved me.
471
00:28:35,164 --> 00:28:36,759
But it just got out of hand.
472
00:28:36,783 --> 00:28:40,084
The world's population
kept growing and growing.
473
00:28:40,152 --> 00:28:43,421
Kids wanted more toys,
fancier toys!
474
00:28:43,489 --> 00:28:46,139
We used to make wooden
choo-choos and rag dolls.
475
00:28:46,208 --> 00:28:47,802
You ever try to make an iPod?
476
00:28:47,826 --> 00:28:49,810
I've got orders
for millions of 'em!
477
00:28:49,878 --> 00:28:52,257
Oh, that reminds me.
I need a new version
of Quicken.
478
00:28:52,281 --> 00:28:54,781
Look at the toxic waste
we're producing.
479
00:29:02,357 --> 00:29:06,410
In fact, I think the toxins
are taking even more of
a toll than the inbreeding.
480
00:29:06,479 --> 00:29:08,378
Inbreeding?
Take a look!
481
00:29:10,666 --> 00:29:13,378
I started with
one family of
magic elves,
482
00:29:13,402 --> 00:29:17,388
and every year I needed
more and more to keep up.
483
00:29:17,457 --> 00:29:21,258
Now they're just
a sickly race of
mutated genetic disasters.
484
00:29:21,327 --> 00:29:24,194
At least 60% of them
are born blind.
485
00:29:29,235 --> 00:29:32,869
The workload destroys them,
but they don't know
anything else.
486
00:29:32,938 --> 00:29:35,717
It's gotten so their
instincts take over,
and near the end,
487
00:29:35,741 --> 00:29:39,460
they just walk out
into the snow and die.
488
00:29:43,248 --> 00:29:45,065
Then the reindeer eat them,
489
00:29:45,134 --> 00:29:48,068
which has turned
the reindeer into
wild, feral creatures
490
00:29:48,137 --> 00:29:50,057
with a bloodlust for elf flesh.
491
00:29:54,243 --> 00:29:57,744
I don't even pray
for them anymore.
Seems pointless.
492
00:29:57,813 --> 00:30:00,397
What god would allow this?
493
00:30:00,449 --> 00:30:02,950
This is in none of
the songs or poetry.
494
00:30:03,019 --> 00:30:04,484
It's a horror show up here!
495
00:30:04,553 --> 00:30:06,020
How could you let this happen?
496
00:30:06,088 --> 00:30:08,339
Me? I didn't do this.
497
00:30:08,407 --> 00:30:09,423
Christmas did!
498
00:30:18,768 --> 00:30:24,822
♪ Each bell would peal with
a silvery zeal as the holiday
feeling was filling us
499
00:30:24,890 --> 00:30:30,794
♪ But now instead all we're
feeling is dread because
Christmastime is killing us
500
00:30:30,863 --> 00:30:33,296
♪ Each Christmas list
gets us more and more pissed
501
00:30:33,365 --> 00:30:36,734
♪ Till the thought of
existence is chilling us
502
00:30:36,802 --> 00:30:39,364
♪ I'll tell you what
Shove your list
up your butt
503
00:30:39,388 --> 00:30:42,456
♪ Because
Christmastime is killing us
504
00:30:42,524 --> 00:30:48,813
♪ But can't you see
that what you do is
a dream come true?
505
00:30:48,881 --> 00:30:54,751
♪ Can't you see
that every smile
makes it all worthwhile?
506
00:30:54,820 --> 00:31:00,891
♪ No, screw you.
It's all but through
There's too much to do
507
00:31:00,959 --> 00:31:06,731
♪ All those dreams
are nightmares
And blank icy stares
508
00:31:12,788 --> 00:31:15,338
♪ Each little elf
used to fill up a shelf
509
00:31:15,407 --> 00:31:18,675
♪ Making playthings
and selflessly thrilling us
510
00:31:18,744 --> 00:31:21,378
♪ Now they're on crack
and it feels like Iraq
511
00:31:21,447 --> 00:31:24,782
♪ Because
Christmastime is killing us
512
00:31:24,851 --> 00:31:27,401
♪ Each model train
only heightens the pain
513
00:31:27,470 --> 00:31:30,754
♪ of a workload that's
draining and drilling us
514
00:31:30,807 --> 00:31:33,340
♪ Fingers all bleed
And look that guy just peed
515
00:31:33,426 --> 00:31:36,476
♪ Because
Christmastime is killing us
516
00:31:36,545 --> 00:31:42,833
♪ But can't you see
our point of view?
We rely on you
517
00:31:42,901 --> 00:31:48,873
♪ Can't you see
that Christmas cheer
gets us through the year?
518
00:31:48,941 --> 00:31:54,661
♪ My whole crew
is black and blue
Can't you take a clue?
519
00:31:54,747 --> 00:32:00,434
♪ You may think I look great
But I'm 28
520
00:32:06,825 --> 00:32:09,359
♪ Each jingle bell
is a requiem knell
521
00:32:09,428 --> 00:32:12,546
♪ And while you
think it's swell
We are toiling in hell
522
00:32:12,632 --> 00:32:19,536
♪ Take a look, you can tell
As a man I'm a shell
523
00:32:22,624 --> 00:32:26,527
♪ Because
Christmastime is killing us
524
00:32:27,596 --> 00:32:29,229
♪ Killing us!
525
00:32:29,315 --> 00:32:31,275
♪ Christmastime
is killing us! ♪
526
00:32:42,278 --> 00:32:45,212
So, Brian and Stewie
found Santa Claus,
527
00:32:45,281 --> 00:32:47,747
but he sure wasn't
what they expected.
528
00:32:47,816 --> 00:32:50,428
It turned out
the increasing demands
of Christmas
529
00:32:50,452 --> 00:32:53,320
had all but destroyed
the poor old man.
530
00:32:53,389 --> 00:32:54,788
Okay, look at this.
531
00:32:54,856 --> 00:32:58,176
Somebody gave me
a little remote
control helicopter.
532
00:32:58,227 --> 00:33:00,260
Pretty cool, huh?
533
00:33:00,329 --> 00:33:02,296
Oh, it's broken.
534
00:33:11,774 --> 00:33:13,740
I don't know, boys.
He's in rough shape.
535
00:33:13,809 --> 00:33:16,509
Doctor, you've got to
do something for him.
It's Christmas Eve!
536
00:33:16,579 --> 00:33:19,613
Christmas is the problem.
He can't keep this pace
up anymore.
537
00:33:19,682 --> 00:33:21,982
If he goes out tonight,
he'll die.
538
00:33:22,051 --> 00:33:24,251
Well, then who's gonna
deliver all the presents?
539
00:33:24,737 --> 00:33:25,769
We will.
540
00:33:25,838 --> 00:33:26,898
What?
What?
541
00:33:26,922 --> 00:33:28,650
Stewie, look, you were right.
542
00:33:28,674 --> 00:33:32,025
Santa is real,
and he needs our help.
543
00:33:32,094 --> 00:33:35,128
Don't worry, Santa.
We'll make sure there's
Christmas this year.
544
00:33:35,197 --> 00:33:38,665
Thank you, Brian.
That brings me peace
in this hour.
545
00:33:38,734 --> 00:33:40,834
I'll be with Allah soon.
546
00:33:40,903 --> 00:33:42,069
What?
547
00:33:42,137 --> 00:33:43,949
He doesn't know
what he's saying,
he's delirious.
548
00:33:43,973 --> 00:33:45,349
Look, you'd better get moving.
549
00:33:45,373 --> 00:33:46,918
All right, Stewie,
let's go get
the sleigh ready.
550
00:33:46,942 --> 00:33:48,853
Is anyone else
a little freaked out
by that Allah thing?
551
00:33:48,877 --> 00:33:50,877
Never mind that,
let's just get going.
552
00:34:23,329 --> 00:34:25,207
Ready to join
the mile high club?
553
00:34:25,231 --> 00:34:26,830
What?
554
00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:28,776
All right. Let's get
those reindeer hooked up
and get out of here.
555
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:30,367
Okay. The elves
are bringing them now.
556
00:34:46,068 --> 00:34:48,552
My God!
That doesn't look good.
557
00:34:48,621 --> 00:34:52,139
God. That elf getting killed
gave them all erections.
558
00:35:01,166 --> 00:35:03,601
All right, Brian.
Let's do this.
559
00:35:06,171 --> 00:35:07,738
Go on.
560
00:35:08,774 --> 00:35:10,474
Giddyup.
561
00:35:11,343 --> 00:35:12,576
Come on, you dumb deer.
562
00:35:14,980 --> 00:35:17,208
It's not working.
I think they need
to be coaxed.
563
00:35:17,232 --> 00:35:19,199
Santa said they eat elf flesh.
564
00:35:19,968 --> 00:35:22,119
Excuse me? Sir?
565
00:35:22,788 --> 00:35:24,421
Mr. Elf? Sir?
566
00:35:25,091 --> 00:35:27,390
Hello? Young man?
567
00:35:30,279 --> 00:35:32,591
I don't think
he even knows
where he is.
568
00:35:32,615 --> 00:35:33,813
Do you want to just...
569
00:35:33,882 --> 00:35:37,384
Yeah, I mean, I'll just
try and do it, I guess.
570
00:35:40,906 --> 00:35:42,239
Hey.
571
00:35:43,142 --> 00:35:44,541
Hey, fella?
572
00:36:05,497 --> 00:36:06,629
Um...
573
00:36:07,066 --> 00:36:08,431
Okay.
574
00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:10,700
Bye.
575
00:36:40,916 --> 00:36:42,549
Hey, Brian, look.
576
00:36:42,617 --> 00:36:45,196
That one reindeer
just kind of pooped in
the other reindeer's face
577
00:36:45,220 --> 00:36:48,221
and the other reindeer
just kind of ate it.
578
00:36:48,290 --> 00:36:50,424
Isn't Christmas magical?
579
00:37:03,705 --> 00:37:05,049
All right,
according to this map,
580
00:37:05,073 --> 00:37:07,352
we're approaching
the northeast coast
of the U.S.
581
00:37:07,376 --> 00:37:09,042
Get ready to land.
582
00:37:26,828 --> 00:37:30,747
All right, Bri,
this is it, our first town.
I'm gonna head for that roof.
583
00:37:33,919 --> 00:37:35,418
Why are we tilting?
584
00:37:35,487 --> 00:37:38,527
Look, I've never landed
one of these things
before, okay?
585
00:37:39,024 --> 00:37:40,504
You're coming in too fast!
Look out!
586
00:37:53,472 --> 00:37:54,638
All right, this is good.
587
00:37:54,707 --> 00:37:56,284
In and out of this house
and onto the next one.
588
00:37:56,308 --> 00:37:57,469
What about the reindeer?
589
00:37:59,495 --> 00:38:00,855
Yeah, we'll cut them
down afterwards.
590
00:38:00,879 --> 00:38:02,399
Now let's get down the chimney.
591
00:38:10,523 --> 00:38:12,155
Ow! Bitch!
592
00:38:12,224 --> 00:38:14,035
Okay, let's get
the presents
under the tree.
593
00:38:14,059 --> 00:38:16,037
All right, you have 'em?
I thought you had them.
594
00:38:16,061 --> 00:38:18,256
For the love of Christ,
they're still in the sleigh!
595
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,347
Crap. On the roof?
596
00:38:25,904 --> 00:38:28,338
No, it's in the yard.
597
00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:36,513
Oh, my God.
598
00:38:36,582 --> 00:38:38,159
Didn't you unlock
the door when we left?
599
00:38:38,183 --> 00:38:39,527
No, you were the last one out!
600
00:38:39,551 --> 00:38:41,384
How the hell are we
gonna get back inside?
601
00:38:41,453 --> 00:38:42,653
All right, find a rock.
602
00:38:51,063 --> 00:38:52,757
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?
603
00:38:52,781 --> 00:38:54,826
I'm putting out the presents.
Not like that you're not.
604
00:38:54,850 --> 00:38:56,594
Tall in the back,
short in the front.
605
00:38:56,618 --> 00:38:58,335
And show some care,
for God's sake.
606
00:38:58,403 --> 00:39:00,503
You know, those aren't
socks and underwear
607
00:39:00,572 --> 00:39:03,173
donated by the
fire department to some
battered women's shelter.
608
00:39:03,242 --> 00:39:05,542
Those are Santa gifts, Brian.
609
00:39:05,610 --> 00:39:07,211
You know, you have to...
610
00:39:07,279 --> 00:39:08,645
What are you doing?
611
00:39:08,714 --> 00:39:10,625
Did you just eat
that whole cookie
off the mantel?
612
00:39:10,649 --> 00:39:12,694
What? They left it out
for Santa. We're Santa.
613
00:39:12,718 --> 00:39:14,395
Yeah, but you're
not supposed
to eat all of it.
614
00:39:14,419 --> 00:39:16,253
You take a bite
and a sip of milk.
615
00:39:16,322 --> 00:39:18,155
That's how the kids
know Santa was here!
616
00:39:18,224 --> 00:39:20,268
Don't yell at me.
I'm not yelling at you.
I'm just...
617
00:39:20,292 --> 00:39:21,691
I'm telling you how it's done.
618
00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:24,394
They need some
kind of indication
that Santa was here.
619
00:39:24,463 --> 00:39:27,309
Okay, how about this?
Look. Hey, now they know
he was here, see?
620
00:39:27,333 --> 00:39:28,365
Stop it!
621
00:39:28,433 --> 00:39:30,045
Look, I'm here
giving out
free presents!
622
00:39:30,069 --> 00:39:32,013
All right, I'll eat
the damn cookies
if I want!
623
00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:35,316
You know what?
I might even
make a sandwich!
624
00:39:35,340 --> 00:39:36,640
Wait. Where are you going?
625
00:39:36,708 --> 00:39:37,991
I'm going into the kitchen.
626
00:39:38,060 --> 00:39:40,300
I'm gonna make a sandwich,
get some chips or something.
627
00:39:42,547 --> 00:39:44,647
Brian, knock it off!
628
00:39:44,716 --> 00:39:45,765
Oh, man.
629
00:39:45,834 --> 00:39:47,351
You jackass!
630
00:39:47,419 --> 00:39:49,236
Hey, who the hell are you?
631
00:39:50,472 --> 00:39:52,601
Hello?
What are you doing
in my house?
632
00:39:52,625 --> 00:39:55,875
We're Santa Clauses.
633
00:39:55,944 --> 00:39:57,076
Yeah, you're Santa Claus.
634
00:39:57,145 --> 00:39:58,239
That's why you broke in
through the window.
635
00:39:58,263 --> 00:39:59,362
I'm calling the cops.
636
00:39:59,431 --> 00:40:01,710
No, no, no.
I can explain.
637
00:40:01,734 --> 00:40:05,902
We came down the chimney,
but we forgot the presents.
638
00:40:05,971 --> 00:40:09,331
It's actually...
It's kind of
a funny story.
639
00:40:09,925 --> 00:40:11,386
What the hell did you do?
640
00:40:11,410 --> 00:40:12,993
He was gonna call the cops, man!
641
00:40:13,062 --> 00:40:14,828
You can't call
the cops on Santa.
642
00:40:14,897 --> 00:40:16,297
Now, help me
move this guy's body!
643
00:40:29,377 --> 00:40:31,961
He's still alive!
644
00:40:32,030 --> 00:40:35,390
All right, tie him up.
I'm gonna make it
look like a burglary.
645
00:40:36,301 --> 00:40:37,634
All right, look, let's just go.
646
00:40:37,703 --> 00:40:41,737
Right, right. We'll go.
I'm gonna rewrap
this bat for Johnny.
647
00:40:41,806 --> 00:40:44,252
Let me just clean
his father's blood
and hair off it.
648
00:40:44,276 --> 00:40:47,193
Daddy, I want a drink of water.
649
00:40:47,262 --> 00:40:48,528
Shit.
650
00:40:50,065 --> 00:40:53,099
Hey, there.
How you doing?
651
00:40:53,168 --> 00:40:55,202
Who are you?
I'm Santa.
652
00:40:55,270 --> 00:40:58,037
You're Santa?
Do you have my
new cell phone?
653
00:40:58,106 --> 00:41:01,007
Well, I'm not sure
it was on my list.
654
00:41:01,076 --> 00:41:03,843
Do you have her cell phone,
other Santa?
655
00:41:04,913 --> 00:41:06,558
Why, I have a cell phone.
656
00:41:06,582 --> 00:41:08,715
So, we do have your cell phone!
657
00:41:08,783 --> 00:41:11,451
Well... It's...
I have my cell phone.
658
00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:13,064
No, we have your cell phone.
659
00:41:13,088 --> 00:41:14,328
Give her the cell phone, Brian.
660
00:41:15,607 --> 00:41:17,607
There you go.
Merry Christmas!
661
00:41:17,676 --> 00:41:20,421
Yeah. Merry Christmas.
It has all my fucking
contacts in it.
662
00:41:20,445 --> 00:41:23,213
Who is Jennifer-Pizza-Hut-
big-boobs-bad-face?
663
00:41:23,282 --> 00:41:25,460
Okay, look why don't you
go back to bed, all right?
664
00:41:25,484 --> 00:41:28,101
Who are you?
Where's Dan?
665
00:41:31,540 --> 00:41:32,589
Oh, my God!
666
00:41:32,657 --> 00:41:33,673
Oh, crap!
667
00:41:36,928 --> 00:41:38,139
Quick, Stewie!
Get the bat!
668
00:41:38,163 --> 00:41:39,646
Help! Help!
669
00:41:41,266 --> 00:41:43,266
Mommy!
670
00:41:43,335 --> 00:41:45,980
It's okay. It's okay.
Brian, see if you can
find some duct tape!
671
00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,532
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
672
00:41:47,556 --> 00:41:48,604
Mommy!
673
00:41:48,673 --> 00:41:50,857
Mama!
674
00:41:52,244 --> 00:41:54,164
All right, let's get
this place cleaned up.
675
00:41:58,283 --> 00:42:01,117
All right,
that's the last of the blood.
Go check on the other kid.
676
00:42:01,186 --> 00:42:03,947
What other kid?
Johnny, the one
who's getting the bat.
677
00:42:05,190 --> 00:42:07,084
Stewie, there's only
one bedroom up here.
678
00:42:07,108 --> 00:42:09,308
What? Do you
have a brother?
679
00:42:10,078 --> 00:42:11,622
Well, then who the hell is...
680
00:42:11,646 --> 00:42:14,213
Oh, my God,
we're in the wrong house.
681
00:42:15,817 --> 00:42:18,362
Damn it, we tripped the alarm.
Brian, the cops are coming.
Let's go!
682
00:42:18,386 --> 00:42:20,064
What? We're just
leaving like this?
683
00:42:20,088 --> 00:42:21,665
What about not wanting
to ruin Christmas?
684
00:42:21,689 --> 00:42:23,656
It's already ruined!
This was one house.
685
00:42:23,725 --> 00:42:27,077
We've been here for
an hour and a half!
An hour and...
686
00:42:27,146 --> 00:42:29,808
First of all,
we're not even Santa anymore.
This has been a home invasion.
687
00:42:29,832 --> 00:42:31,364
But an hour and a half, Brian!
688
00:42:31,433 --> 00:42:32,966
It's gonna be light
in six hours,
689
00:42:33,034 --> 00:42:35,502
and we have to deliver
to the whole rest
of the world!
690
00:42:35,571 --> 00:42:38,087
There's two
apartment buildings
on this block alone!
691
00:42:38,140 --> 00:42:39,667
No wonder Santa lost his mind.
692
00:42:39,691 --> 00:42:41,319
This is ridiculous!
We can't do this!
693
00:42:41,343 --> 00:42:43,143
Nobody can.
It's inhuman!
694
00:42:43,211 --> 00:42:45,492
All right, come on,
let's get out of here!
695
00:42:46,831 --> 00:42:49,060
Damn, what about
the reindeer?
The hell with the reindeer!
696
00:42:49,084 --> 00:42:50,978
Look, they're all
eating each other,
anyway!
697
00:42:54,322 --> 00:42:58,275
Besides, we don't need 'em.
I made a few modifications.
Hang on.
698
00:43:13,175 --> 00:43:15,642
That was a disaster.
699
00:43:15,710 --> 00:43:17,243
I can't believe it.
700
00:43:17,312 --> 00:43:19,929
We were supposed
to save Christmas,
and we completely blew it.
701
00:43:19,998 --> 00:43:21,981
We failed Santa.
702
00:43:22,050 --> 00:43:26,469
No. No,
we didn't fail Santa.
The world failed Santa.
703
00:43:26,537 --> 00:43:30,756
He gives and gives and gives,
and everyone just takes him
for granted.
704
00:43:30,825 --> 00:43:33,526
Hell, I didn't even think
he existed until last night.
705
00:43:33,595 --> 00:43:37,035
Well, what are we
supposed to do now?
Christmas is doomed.
706
00:43:37,065 --> 00:43:41,717
Maybe, but there is
one thing we can do.
Move over.
707
00:44:10,215 --> 00:44:13,282
Lois, there's no presents
under the tree!
708
00:44:13,802 --> 00:44:14,884
What?
709
00:44:16,304 --> 00:44:18,170
Oh, my God.
710
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:20,084
Joe, did you get
any Christmas presents?
711
00:44:20,108 --> 00:44:21,485
- No!
- Me, neither!
712
00:44:21,509 --> 00:44:23,777
I got eight mediocre things.
713
00:44:23,845 --> 00:44:25,973
Good morning, Quahog.
Our top story today,
714
00:44:25,997 --> 00:44:27,914
Santa Claus skips Christmas.
715
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,217
Hopeful citizens
worldwide woke up to
disappointment this morning
716
00:44:31,286 --> 00:44:34,471
when they discovered
no gifts from Santa
under their Christmas trees.
717
00:44:34,540 --> 00:44:36,301
Local officials are
going with the theory
718
00:44:36,325 --> 00:44:38,358
that everyone was bad this year.
719
00:44:38,427 --> 00:44:40,471
The investigation continues
into this mysterious...
720
00:44:40,495 --> 00:44:43,413
Wait! I know
what happened
to Christmas!
721
00:44:43,481 --> 00:44:44,561
Brian?
722
00:44:52,808 --> 00:44:53,907
Santa Claus!
723
00:44:53,975 --> 00:44:56,375
That's right.
It's Santa Claus.
724
00:44:56,445 --> 00:44:58,322
And you've got to listen to me.
725
00:44:58,346 --> 00:45:00,274
The reason there was
no Christmas this year
726
00:45:00,298 --> 00:45:04,701
is that this man
is sick, very sick.
And he needs our help.
727
00:45:04,770 --> 00:45:08,321
He's been bludgeoned by
years of greed and avarice.
728
00:45:08,389 --> 00:45:11,874
The workload of filling
our Christmas lists has
overwhelmed him.
729
00:45:11,943 --> 00:45:14,844
And at the rate he's going,
he may not make it
another year.
730
00:45:14,913 --> 00:45:17,347
But there's a way
for us to help him.
731
00:45:17,416 --> 00:45:20,645
If all of us,
everywhere, can just
cut back our demands
732
00:45:20,669 --> 00:45:23,789
and ask for only
one Christmas present
every year,
733
00:45:23,839 --> 00:45:25,805
there may still be hope.
734
00:45:25,891 --> 00:45:28,374
I know it's in our nature
to resist sacrifice,
735
00:45:28,443 --> 00:45:31,661
even in hard times,
but if we don't,
736
00:45:31,730 --> 00:45:34,347
we may have to give up
Christmas altogether.
737
00:45:37,168 --> 00:45:40,586
Well, folks,
you heard it here first
on Channel Five News.
738
00:45:40,655 --> 00:45:42,333
Looks like we have a choice.
739
00:45:42,357 --> 00:45:45,191
One Christmas gift a year
for each one of us.
740
00:45:45,260 --> 00:45:46,826
Can we live with that?
741
00:45:47,995 --> 00:45:49,145
I can.
742
00:45:49,214 --> 00:45:50,429
So can I.
743
00:45:50,498 --> 00:45:52,716
Me, too.
I can, too.
744
00:45:52,784 --> 00:45:54,133
I can live with that.
745
00:45:54,202 --> 00:45:55,345
Count me in.
746
00:45:55,369 --> 00:45:56,620
One is enough.
747
00:45:56,688 --> 00:45:57,820
Aye.
748
00:45:57,889 --> 00:45:59,222
I can.
749
00:45:59,290 --> 00:46:01,357
One gift is okay.
750
00:46:01,426 --> 00:46:02,742
I can live with it.
751
00:46:02,811 --> 00:46:05,828
Okay, just one.
But if it's
a gym membership,
752
00:46:05,897 --> 00:46:08,765
somebody's getting punched
in the fuckin' face.
753
00:48:03,531 --> 00:48:07,450
♪ We can get out
of any mess
754
00:48:07,519 --> 00:48:11,388
♪ If we learn
to live with less
755
00:48:11,456 --> 00:48:19,456
♪ And with Santa's love
there's nothing to fear
756
00:48:19,631 --> 00:48:27,303
♪ All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer
757
00:48:27,372 --> 00:48:34,343
♪ Is all I really
want this year! ♪
758
00:49:33,889 --> 00:49:34,969
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